As life goes on...

Life is so very different. I think back to last year, to all the planning and excitement of trying to have a baby. It really does seem like another lifetime. I realize that no amount of planning can prepare you for what life sometimes throws at you. In the last 6 months I have realized quite a few things, and to some people's disappointment I have lived my life in a very different way than before. 

News flash to anyone out there that doesn't realize this, but once you decide to try to become a parent, you change. Once you realize that you are a parent, you change. We are always evolving, always. So when the unthinkable happens, and you are planning a funeral, and purchasing gravestones, instead of planning doctor appointments and buying diapers, your life and plans once again change. You don't simply go back to the person you were before such a tragedy as child loss has affected your life bit simply doesn't happen that way.  What you may not realize is that we still became parents, it's just that our child is now in heaven instead of here with us on earth. 

I think the thing that I realize the most is that some people just can't handle the tragedy that is the death of a child. To those people, I simply do not have the desire to pretend that everything is back to "normal" so that you are comfortable. If you can't bear my heartache and you can't be around someone so sad and "depressed" please remove yourself from my life. I refuse to live a life to make other people comfortable while I, myself, am still trying to find my new "normal". I don't need people like you in my life. It just simply comes down to that little fact. 

No, I'll never be who I was before my sweet Elijah, but I do hope to become stronger and turn into someone that he would be proud to call mom.  I have noticed that the friends that I rarely talk to have stepped through these difficult times, and the friends I considered family have disappeared. Life is crazy that way. I can already see the huge change in myself.  I realize that I can miss my darling son without having to shed a tear. It seems lately I find myself smiling when I think about his sweet face or how he would play hide and go week with the nurses while we were in the hospital, or how he would kick up a storm at bedtime. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I feel my heart is breaking into a million pieces, and there's never a day that goes by that I don't wish Elijah was in my arms, but I'm somehow stronger. I read an article yesterday on Stillstanding.com that said something to the effect of giving your worries, stress, and fear to God and he will give you peace. Oddly enough, I prayed that God would take the bitterness, hate, strife, fear, stress, and worries from my heart, and once I did I felt a little at peace. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am determined to make my son proud. One day I hope to see him again,yet until that day I am determined to press on.  The people standing beside me at the beginning may be completely different people after some time, but I'm ok with that. As long as I have God to lean on, my husband beside me, and my immediate family's support I know I'll be ok. 

Dear Elijah,

Mommy misses you my angel. The other day was the first time I was able to see your face clearly. It was amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget you, but at times I feel you slipping away. I know life goes on, but my love for you will remain the same. I read something the other day about asking parents with living children which child they love the best. I hope they answered they lived them all equally. I want you to know, that if we are ever blessed with more children, I will live you all the same. Hopefully I'll be able to share with your brother or sister new experiences, but I'll also share the great experiences we shared as well. You made me a mom my sweet boy, and for that I am and forever will be grateful. We miss and love you dearly.

Love you now, always, and forever

Your mommy

P.S.  I saw a rainbow on the way to work this morning. I can't even begin to explain the joy that filled my heart. 

Do you Have any children?

People innocently ask this question a lot, not realizing all the hurt, pain, and many other emotions that assault you. I hate saying no. It is simply untrue. I am a mother. Plain and simple. I have a beautiful baby boy. He may not be living on earth, but I know he is in heaven.  

Every since we buried our son, our whole world has flipped upside down. Things are drastically different. I look at the world with new eyes. No longer am I able to see the good and everything and to "embrace change". Instead I live constantly hesitating. I can't go through life carefree. The naiveity I once had is just gone, and that is ok. I may not be who I was, honestly somehow I'm stronger. It takes a strength and a will to keep living when your child dies. Some days I want to curl in a ball and die, but I somehow find the strength to keep going. 

My husband and I are on two very different levels. He has taken the pain and grief of Elijah's death and somehow tried to be super positive. I, on the other hand, am quite negative, and that is ok. Every step I take on this very different journey of motherhood is making and shaping me into a new woman.  I can honestly say that at this point I am grateful for the little time I did have with my sweet boy. Yes I regret thinking someone took his pictures, and not having a colored picture to remember him by, but I'll never forget that feeling when the nurse placed my baby in my arms.  That was the most amazing thing. You were amazing my dear Elijah. 

Life is going very fast. I am trying my hardest just to survive. I'm not sure what else God has in store for us, but I pray he gives us strength to endure.  I refuse to pretend that my child didn't exist, because he did. The next time you ask someone if they have any children, please be prepared for any answers they may give. You never know what a family has been through. If you can open your mouth to ask your question, please let them share their answer. After all, there are way more moms and dads of angel babies that many are just unaware of. So to answer your question Mr.Car Salesman. Yes I have a child.  He is just waiting for me in heaven. 

5 Months

Dear Elijah,

Today you would have been 5 months old. I told your dad it didn't seem that long, he disagreed. I keep thinking of all the things we should have gotten to do with you.   It makes me sad that we missed out on everything, but I am so glad that I had the little moments, but I miss you so much.  I know that you are here with us, watching over your dad and me. I'm sorry I haven't been so strong, I really am trying. I know you don't want to see me crying, but I promise they are not all sad tears.  I am very thankful for you my sweet prince. You were the most amazing little boy, and I am so honored to be your mother. I'll miss you for always, I'll love you forever.  I hope to one day give you a little brother or sister. Please ask God to send his blessings, And know that no matter what, you will always be my first son, my first child, the reason I am, and always will be a mother.

Love you now, forever, and always,

Mommy

Over it

I'm over this. Over people telling me I need to be normal. Seriously?  What is normal?  You let me know how normal I should be after the loss of your child. I am trying to go on. I am embracing the good with the bad. I'm trying to do the best I can. Why is that not good enough?  Why do I have to do what's pleasing to others instead of living my life. No, I am not the same. No, I do not have the need or want to get back to the ways things were. Why can you not understand that?  Why do I feel like no one is willing to understand everything I have gone through?  Like I said, I'm over it.

What's Next?

Last Wednesday, February 5, was my due date. Technically I would have been induced two weeks prior because of how sick I was, but that's the date I was given when we found out I was expecting. I stayed in bed all day. My alarm went off that morning, but I turned it off. How was I suppose to sit in a classroom listening to a lecture that would just evade me?  My mom and sister called, but I couldn't talk long. My heart was hurting too bad.

I just don't understand my life anymore. I thought I could bottle up my emotions and force myself to keep going, but it's days like this that I realize I can't do that. Every time I get knocked on my back, I loose my breath, and the aching starts all over again. That night when my husband got home, all I could do was loom at him. I don't know if anyone is reading this, but sometimes I just look at my life and I just feel like a failure. The one thing that I was so looking forward to was raising a child with the love of my life, and now we have heartache and grief. It's very hard to accept. It's not possible to understand. 

I see all the pictures and posts of people getting pregnant and having babies, and all I feel Is complete sadness. How can I possible be happy for them?  What if they have to go through this?  Please God don't let their story end up like ours. Then there is the jealousy. The huge monumental loathing of their happiness. Why me? Why not them? Then I stop and look at myself. Who am I?  What kind of monster wishes this on anyone?  I am not that person. The grief that is consuming me makes me question everything. I hate it. I hate that I no longer have that innocence that was once there. I hate that I did not get to keep holding my baby boy in my arms. I hate that his story never really began. I hate that I will never hear his cries, see his smile. I hate not knowing if his eyes would be dark brown like mine or stay that blue. I hate all of this, but this is my life now. I m trying to make the best of it. I am trying to keep going. I am trying to not let the depression take over but it's always rearing its ugly head, pulling me deeper into the blackness that so easily consumes me. 

People keep telling me thy the hurt never goes away, just dims slightly. I believe it. Four months have passed. It seems like forever ago, like a figment of my imagination, but I know Elijah was very real. I held me son in my arms. He was there. I am a mother. I have a son. He was real. This is real. So now what happens?  What's next?  

Dear Elijah,

I miss you so much. I want you here with me. It's funny my little boy how we picked out your little animal. My little Ez bunny. Every since then, your dad and I have had nightly visits from this bunny. Your dad said he let him get within a foot and would never move. I hope that is you coming to tell us that you are ok. That's all we have of you my sweet boy. No pictures, no videos, just sonograms, and memories of your kicks and punches. I love you always. I'll miss you forever.  I won't forget you my sweet boy, and please visit me in my dreams. 

All my love,

Mommy

A Grieving Mother

Elijah, I miss you so much!  I miss feeling you kick and wiggle around. I miss hearing your heart beat. I miss all the things I thought we would have together: your cry, your laugh, your smile, everything. I loved seeing you. You were perfect. You and I shared the same eyes, although yours weren't brown yet your dad said the were sure to be. You had my big hands. I wish I could have taught you to play the piano. You had your dad's lips and long arms and legs. You were so long and pasty and you had the cutest little nose. Just looking at you I fell in love all over again. Oh how I wish things could be different. I miss what was, what could have been, but most of all, I miss you my darling little boy. 

When does the bad end?

Dear Elijah,

Life is so hard without you here.  My heart literally hurts when I think of everything that we could be doing right now.  I am struggling with the fairness of it all.  Honestly, it really is hard.  Your nana took me out to lunch last Thursday and explained that they are having a baby shower for your Uncle and his girlfriend.  I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but baby it is so hard.  I don't wish death on anyway, no matter the situation or the circumstance.  No one deserves to go through this. I told her I wouldn't be going.  Just hearing about how other people are getting pregnant, and having babies hurts my heart so bad.  The truth is, I am just not ready.  I can not pretend to be happy for someone else, when my whole world was flipped upside down.  I can't and I won't.  I'm sick of people wanting me to go back to who I was, the happy go lucky person, that bent over backwards for everyone and was so carefree and naive.  I'm not her anymore.  She is gone.  I have to find out who I am now, who I can become.  I don't want to dwell on all of the negative.  I don't want to turn into a raging lunatic, but I also don't want to ever forget that you were very real to me.  You, my son, whom I love with my whole heart.  Life goes on, people will move on.  They will forget.  That is something I will not do.  I will grow, I am sure of that, but I refuse to pretend you were not real to me.  You will forever be my first son.  I keep going over and over it in my head, wondering what I could have done to changed this, to prevent you from being only in my heart, instead of in my arms.  I know in reality there is nothing that could have been done, but if I could go back and relive each moment, I would.  To hear your heartbeat for the first time, to feel your first kicks, to sing to you for the first time.  Every single moment I will cherish forever, because they are all I have of you now.

Your dad asked me the other day when the bad would end.  I wish i had an answer for that, but I don't.  I never will.  Your Aunt told me that everything is out of our control.  It only seems like we have the ability to control situations, but that simply isn't true.  I wish that things could have been different I really do.  I wish that the bad would stop raining down on us, but it has not yet, and I am not sure if it ever will.  I do know that your dad and I have each other.  Instead of pushing each other away, we have to cling to each other.  I miss you always my sweet baby boy.

Love you now, forever, and always

Mommy

Elijah's Story Part 2: My battle with hyperemesis gravidarum

Dear Elijah,

I love you with my whole heart.  I do.  My dear sweet boy, I didn't realize everything I would go through to get you, and then loose you.

I was taking summer classes in June.  Graduation would have been the following December, but little did I know I would not make it.  You see, I got sick.  Not a little sick, but seriously sick.  At first it started out ok.  I had nausea and diarrhea and it sucked.  I ended up going to the ER a few times.  It was terrible.  I hated it.  I couldn't stop throwing up.  I was dehydrated.  Everyone would tell me to eat ginger or saltines, but that didn't work.  I ended up missing my final because I was in the hospital.  It was in June that I was first introduced to Alere, and one of my favorite nurses Connie.  She took such good care of me, I will never forget her.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  My Ob-gyn finally realized that the medicine he prescribed was not cutting it.  (At this point I had been in the ER at least 3 times in the span of 2 weeks)  He explained that I had hypermemsis gravidarum.  I had never in my life heard of this, and little did I know that over the next few months it would put me flat on my back.

At first we started out with pumps.  I had to stick myself with a needle in the belly to deliver the medication that I would need to not feel nauseous.  I think this was the beginning of July.  I went through several different pumps, and several medications.  I'll never forget waking up and having to switch out the little vials every eight hours.  At the time I had stopped working, because I just couldn't stop throwing up.  We finally found the right combination of medication, and then the unthinkable happened.  My pump broke.  It was like starting all over again.  I ended up throwing up everything.  At this point I couldn't even keep down liquid.  Just hearing someone suggest Gatorade make me want to vomit, even now.  The sent out a new pump and I was put back on the zofran, but in the liquid form.  That worked for a couple of days.  But then I started loosing weight drastically.  I think I had come down ten pounds within a week.  That would be the first time I was admitted into the hospital.

I hated it.  It was freaking awful.  I missed your dad.  I missed my bed.  I missed being healthy.  I didn't think about food at this point.  I knew I couldn't do anything.  My Ob-gyn came in and decided to give me steroids.  Now keep in mind that at home I have my own IV stand and bags and bags of fluid.  At this point I had already had about 7 IVs inserted to help me stay hydrated, but I was receiving all of my care at home.  So being at the hospital was torture.  They would bring me liquids, and jello, and I would throw it up.  They would bring popsicles, and I would throw them up.  After two days of the steroid treatment I was able to keep down liquid.  It was great.  I even kept down water.  Now let me tell you, throwing up water is when you know you have hit your low point.  They kept me for one more day and then I was released.  I was happy to be home.  Little did I know, that this was nothing compared to what I would soon go through.

Throwing up a few times a day... that's normal.  Throwing up ten times a day…that's concerning.  Throwing up 20+ times a day…the scariest thing ever.  The steroid treatment last exactly 9 days.  Then I was back to throwing up everything.  My doctor told me we couldn't repeat the steroid treatment, because he didn't want to risk me getting diabetes.  He warned me the last time I was in the hospital that I may have to get a PICC line inserted where I would receive all of my nutrition.  That just sounded scary.  I tried everything.  I really did.  I just couldn't keep it down.  By this point your Nana had moved in to take care of me.  I didn't want to admit it, but I was really really sick.  I hit my low point at the end of August.

I remember laying on the bathroom floor calling my doctor and explaining that I had lost another 20 pounds.  Thankfully, I had gained some of the weight previously lost back.  But this wasn't good.  He told me to go to the ER now.  I will never forget the look on his face when he told me that I had to stay, and that he wasn't sure when I would be released.  I was devastated.  All I wanted was you my little boy.  I was 18 weeks pregnant.  At the time I didn't know you were a boy, but I would soon learn this.  The drew blood, gave me another IV and sent me up to postpartum.  Where I would stay for the next week.  The next morning my doctor came into the room.  Looking at his face I knew something was wrong.  He sat on the bed and said unfortunately things have took a turn for the worse.  Your baby is fine, but your fat stores are in the 30s, they are suppose to be in the 150s.  Essentially you are starving to death.  Now, let me tell you I freaked.  Your dad had left for work, and I was alone.  My mom was on her way, but at that point I was scared.  He explained that the next step would to be the PICC line.  The next few hours were a blur.  The nutritionist, GI doctors, nurses, all came in and out of the room explaining what would happen next.  My mom had arrived by then, and I had called your dad.  It was all so confusing.  I did everything in my power to get better, to stay healthy.  Little did I know that in the end I would still loose you.

The next day the lady from PICCme showed up to put in the line.  I was terrified.  Again, I had one of the best nurses with me, Angie.  She was wonderful.  She took such good care of us.  I will never forget her.  My mom was there with me, your dad was on a 21 day stretch at work.  I was terrified.  I actually started to cry.  That week I did a lot of crying.  I just didn't understand.  My mom calmed me down and within the next hour it was done.  I had two tubes running through my arm and to my heart.  I was then introduced to TPN.  This was the nutrition they gave to cancer patients.  I knew that I was physically in a bad place.  Over the next few days they tweaked the TPN so that my blood sugar would stay below a certain level.  I also received the zofran through my line.  At the time of my release I would have 2 different home health agencies taking care of me, of us.  While in the hospital I thought I felt you move, but I wasn't sure.  Over the next few weeks, you would move a lot.  One thing I appreciate now was being able to hear your little heart beat three times a day.  Boy do I miss that sound.

I went home, but that was short lived.  I was told that I had to have constant care.  I couldn't be by myself.  At that point we decided I would move in with my mom and dad.  That way someone could always be with me.  Your dad was working hard, to provide for us.  We were preparing to purchase your crib.  I wanted to be able to go and start a baby registry, but I was just too weak.  At 19 weeks, we found out you were a boy.  I had already known.  A guess you can call it a mother's intuition.  We had picked your name out by the time I was 8 weeks. It was perfect.  My sweet Elijah Zane.  Looking back I still was never able to eat, or drink for that matter.  I had my TPN and zofran and I was just trying to make it to January.  We had already decided that I would be induced since I was having such a hard time.  I had made it to 20 weeks.  I was halfway there.  I knew I could do this.  At your 21 week sonogram, everything changed.

It's sad when you have to carry a throw up bag with you everywhere you go, but I did.  Not only did I have hyperemesis, but I also had hyper salivation.  It was terrible.  If I swallowed it I would throw up.  So the bag came in handy.  That bag was with me everywhere I went, especially in the car.  Boy did I hate riding in cars.  It was awful.  I had to lay my seat all the way back and try to sleep, so I wouldn't get sick the whole time.  Anyway, I can remember laying on the table at your 21 week sonogram.  At this point I was in the office every two weeks, because of how bad I was doing.  I laid there and then I remember getting super hot.  The tech rolled me over so that I wouldn't pass out and the doctor came rushing in the room.  At that point he thought I was having a stroke, but I wasn't.  He told us to go to the ER immediately.  Honestly, the next few hours were a blur.  I'm not sure what happenned.  I know they told me I had a seizure.  They think it was an allergic reaction to the phenergan that I also was taking.  I was again admitted to the hospital.  I was told a maternal-fetal specialists would be in to see me.  It wasn't until the next day that she showed up. I wish she never did.  You see that is when I was told you had fluid on your brain.  It wasn't a huge deal they said.  It happened a lot and usually it corrected itself.  She proceeded to do a sonogram and gave me bad news over and over again, and ended with but I'm not sure since this machine isn't high def.  (At the time she freaked me out, but when they did your autopsy the problems she said she thought she saw weren't there).  I was pissed and scared and freaked.  I called your dad and explained everything that was going on.  That afternoon they released me.  I'll never forget that night.  Your dad text me that his heart hurt.  I told him mine did too, but that you were going to be okay.  I had been praying and I knew everything was going to work out. Boy was I wrong.

I'll never forget it as long as I live.  We had set an appointment with the specialist.  She would perform another ultrasound and actually be able to tell us if she saw anything wrong.  She wanted us to come that following Monday, but she was booked so we had to wait until Wednesday.  I was 22 weeks along.  Looking back I should have known something was wrong, because I hadn't thrown up as much that morning, but I didn't.  It's crazy because Tuesday you were a little wiggle worm.  I sang to you, talked to you, I was happy.  Wednesday, October 2, 2013 at 2:40 my life changed forever.  You see I thought I had felt you moving just a few hours before, I don't know what it was.  I thought it was real.  I did.  My heart hurts thinking about it now.  Within a matter of minutes they delivered the bad news.  Your heart had stopped beating.  Everything else looked fine.  She called my doctor.  She said he would meet us at the hospital to prepare for delivery.  I was in shock.  They handed us your last sonogram picture.  I just laid there.  Your dad wanted to go home.  As we walked out of that office, I lost it.  I literally fell apart.  Your dad asked me to please wait until we got into the car.  I saw the tears already forming in his eyes.  My heart broke forever in two at that moment.  I knew he wanted to be alone so I got into the car with my parents.

I couldn't go home.  How could I?  I had to go to the hospital.  My dad called your dad and told him to meet us there.  We walked in and the gentleman walked us to the elevator.  All I could think about was it wasn't suppose to be like this.  This is not how your story ends.  We waited a few hours and then I was induced.  20 hours of labor.  I threw up the whole time.  October 3, 2013 at 5:46 you were born.  My perfect son.  You had my eyes, and my big hands, but everything else was your dad's.  His mouth, his long legs, and his super pasty skin.  You were beautiful.  I miss you my sweet boy.  Every single day.  I remember holding you for the first time.  I sang you your song that you would always move to.  Then I gave you to the nurse.  I thought I could say goodbye to let you go, but I was wrong.  I slept for hours after that.  The next morning I had to see you again.  I held you.  I opened your blanket and looked at you.  I didn't want to let you go.  That morning I had called the funeral home.  They were on their way to pick you up.  I hated all of it.  I still do.  All I wanted, all I want is you.

The lady finally came in and said it was time.  My heart literally broke.  I didn't know it, but that was our last goodbye.  I thought I would get more time with you.  I thought I would be able to come and sit with you at the funeral home.  I thought that this was a nightmare.  My heart hurts so bad just typing this.  Everything has changed.  I'm heartbroken.  You see I wanted to hear you cry, coo, laugh, walk, grow up and now that will never be.  I've been told several times that I'm giving up, but I'm just not sure how to go on.  I don't know what to do now.  I'm lost.

I'm writing this to you, for you, because I refuse to let you go.  You are my child.  While others, can forget you, I never will.  I know that this is a healing process.  I know that this is going to be a long road.  I know that I will make it.  Your dad and I.  I just wish it never had to be this way.  I would go through it all again, if it meant I get to hold you again.  Hyperemesis was nothing compared to not getting to take my baby home with me.  I'm forever broken, forever changed.  I'm learning how to live again and it's very hard, but I will do it.  For you my little man.  Your dad asked me what animal you would be.  We both have one from when we first starting dating.  He's a platypus and I'm a lion.  You were my bunny.  My little Ezbunny.  You are in between your mom and dad in our room.  You will always be there and In our hearts.  One day I hope to see you again, but until that day please watch over your mommy and daddy.

Love you now, forever, and always

Mommy

Elijah's Story Part 1

Dear Elijah,

Every story has a beginning.  You never can imagine how life will turn out.  You live each day oblivious to the heartache that could occur, well at least I did.

I guess you can say our story started in 2007.  That's when I fell in love with Mathew, your dad.  Wow, now that seems like forever ago.  We started dating and before you know it, we had moved in together.  I know, I know.  We moved fast.  He was my first everything.  How lucky was I to find such a great guy that I would end up marrying.  Life is weird.  It all starts out great.  Don't get me wrong we had our share of ups and downs, but we always managed to overcome.  I remember thinking jeez all of our friends are getting married and having kids and we are just living in the moment.  We did for years.  Until December 2010.  I will never forget that day.  One of the best days in my life.  Your dad asked me to marry him.  It was perfect.  He tricked me you know.   I thought I was helping a friend surprise his wife, but in the end I was surprised.  Ten months later and we were married.  October 8, 2011, our anniversary.  At that point we had been together for four years, and I was starting to get that baby itch.  We decided that I would finish school and then start trying.  Well that first year of marriage went by.  It really was a great year.  I know people say the first year of marriage is hard, but we had the best marriage counselor.  He was your Uncle Bob.  I hope you guys have met already.  He was such a sweet and loving man.

Looking back I can remember asking your dad if we could please please start trying in December of 2012.  That would have been the best Christmas present ever.  He was adamant about me finishing school so we decided to hold off.  But the urge to be a mom was so very overwhelming.  Most of our friends were already on their second babies.  I had just turned 26.  I had serious baby fever.  I was so concerned that we needed to try soon that way when I got a job in the chemistry field, I wouldn't be pregnant.  I didn't want to be around anything that would cause you harm.  We went back and forth about it for months.  Finally we decided that we start trying in August.  That way I would have graduated in December.  Well before you know it, we were trying.  It was March.  I know we were supposed to wait, but I wanted you in my arms so bad.  When that next month came I was devastated to see that I wasn't pregnant.  I mean heartbroken.  I remember going into Wal-mart at one point and seeing a young girl in her teens, and her huge belly growing.  At that point I decided that life was not fair.  It had been 2 months and I still didn't have you.  My boss, at the time, would tell me to be patient that it would happen in due time.  I wanted you right then.  We had waited for so long.  Everything was perfect.  We had bought a house, paid off a car.  It was the right time.  Then came May.  We decided to not try to try.  I think I was stressing your dad out, lol.  (I tend to do that a lot)  I should have known that something was off that month, and I kind of suspected, but after a couple of months of being disappointed, I couldn't get my hopes up.

On Memorial Day, your dad decided to grill.  I picked up some hamburger meat, and bratwurst.  I remember biting into the bratwurst and spitting it out.  It was so gross.  Again, I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I knew something was off.  The next day your dad had to work.  I couldn't wait any longer I decided to take a test.  I was so nervous.  A friend of mine was over, and she went downstairs.  We had been walking a few miles a week, and that was our day to go.  I took the test and immediately I saw the positive.  My heart was so full of joy.  I will never forget that day.  I text your dad and told him to wake me when he got home from work, no matter what.  My friend came out of the downstairs bathroom and looked at my face.  With tears in my eyes I told her I was pregnant.  Oh my goodness that was seriously one of the best moments ever, neck and neck with your dad crying when he saw me on our wedding day.  I swore her to secrecy, and we went on our walk.

Later that night, your dad got home.  There was no need to wake me, I was too excited.  I saw him, and immediately began to smile.  I had the pregnancy test behind my back.  I looked at him with the biggest smile on my face, and asked him to guess what.  He smiled back and asked what.  I think he already knew, but the thrill was being able to tell him.  I showed him the test.  His smile grew.  I think he may have split open his face it was that big.  I got to tell the man that I love with my whole heart that he was going to be a dad.  It was epic.  Little did I now that bliss that I was feeling would change in a few short weeks.