Every since we buried our son, our whole world has flipped upside down. Things are drastically different. I look at the world with new eyes. No longer am I able to see the good and everything and to "embrace change". Instead I live constantly hesitating. I can't go through life carefree. The naiveity I once had is just gone, and that is ok. I may not be who I was, honestly somehow I'm stronger. It takes a strength and a will to keep living when your child dies. Some days I want to curl in a ball and die, but I somehow find the strength to keep going.
My husband and I are on two very different levels. He has taken the pain and grief of Elijah's death and somehow tried to be super positive. I, on the other hand, am quite negative, and that is ok. Every step I take on this very different journey of motherhood is making and shaping me into a new woman. I can honestly say that at this point I am grateful for the little time I did have with my sweet boy. Yes I regret thinking someone took his pictures, and not having a colored picture to remember him by, but I'll never forget that feeling when the nurse placed my baby in my arms. That was the most amazing thing. You were amazing my dear Elijah.
Life is going very fast. I am trying my hardest just to survive. I'm not sure what else God has in store for us, but I pray he gives us strength to endure. I refuse to pretend that my child didn't exist, because he did. The next time you ask someone if they have any children, please be prepared for any answers they may give. You never know what a family has been through. If you can open your mouth to ask your question, please let them share their answer. After all, there are way more moms and dads of angel babies that many are just unaware of. So to answer your question Mr.Car Salesman. Yes I have a child. He is just waiting for me in heaven.
Lacey,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and writing about your feelings. Last November I gave birth at 24 weeks and our daughter died shortly after. It was devastating. Everything you write in this post I feel. I see life through a whole new set of eyes. Not only am I grieving my daughter and life I had hope to have with her, but I miss the joy and positive perspective I used to have. And the question about having kids has come up a few times already in the last 2 months. It is torture every time someone asks.
Again, thank your for sharing your heart so that women like me feel a little less alone.