I wish I can say that life has just been wonderful the last few years. I thought that your dad and I had gone through the roughest time in our life when we lost our sweet Elijah. We sold our first home last year and built a new one. We got moved in in November and were super excited. Life was going great...or so I thought. Fast forward to March 7, 2018. I came home from work and I noticed he was acting strange. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't happy. He stated that he had not been happy since Elijah died. At first he thought it was him, but he said after he "tried" he realized it must be us. So after purchasing a new home, totaling his car, and then buying a new car here we are..going through a divorce.
Let's just say I was in shock. I was totally and completely blindsided. What man just ups and leaves his family and everything and why? I found a few things that made me wonder if I really knew what was happening around me during the previous 7 months. I was angry, but I refused to be bitter. I prayed and cried to God to save our marriage. I did everything I knew to do, but he was no interested. I refused to get angry. I prayed for grace. I asked God to help me to forgive your dad. I prayed that God would remove the love from my heart if this was not his will. My worry this whole time was not how this was going to affect me, but how this was going to affect our sweet baby girl.
People keep telling me how resilient children are. I think that's the BS they tell themselves so that they feel better about the things they are doing. Ellie now has a stutter. She asks for her dad constantly. How do you explain to a 3.5 year old that daddy doesn't want to be here, and quite frankly mommy doesn't want him here. How do you explain that you thought you had built a life with a man you knew and loved, only to realize that it was a lie.
Yesterday I started going through all of my pictures and deleting them from facebook. It made me super sad to realize that my smile and glow from recently didn't even compare to the smile during the past 11 years. It made me sad. I lost myself. I changed because it made someone else comfortable. I wanted to be his love. I wanted to make him happy. I gave and gave and received a bit, but it was never whole hearted. I refuse to bash him or put him down. I wish him the best. I hope he find the love he is looking for, the life he is looking for. I pray he becomes a man that his children are proud to call dad. I wish him the best.
Oddly enough after losing my mind for a couple of weeks, God started to give me peace about this whole situation. I sought help, I prayed, and I started to live for me again. IT sucks to say that I don't really miss my husband, but I am going to miss being married, but I think that's my truth. Looking back there is so much that I want and desire, and honestly I'm not sure if I'll ever get it. I'm not sure what life has in store for Ellie and I, but I have to keep going. I have to keep living. I have to keep fighting.
God has great things in store for us. Here's to trying to seek his will and allowing HIM to lead us down the path he desires for us to go.
Elijah,
Mommy's sorry. I am so glad you don't have to be here for this. Your sister is struggling. I wish I could heal her hurt. Mommy continues to wipe her tears. I try to explain that we love her and that we just need to pray for daddy. I hope he realizes that she is still here and that she cares so much. I hope he knows that although this may not affect her greatly in years to come, currently it is and it is hard. Baby boy just know that I will always try to do my best. Always. Just know that I will love you and your sister with my whole heart. I will try to put God first always, then you and your sister. I love you! I miss you always. I wish I could hold you in my arms again sweet baby.
Love now, forever, and always,
Mommy
