When does the bad end?

Dear Elijah,

Life is so hard without you here.  My heart literally hurts when I think of everything that we could be doing right now.  I am struggling with the fairness of it all.  Honestly, it really is hard.  Your nana took me out to lunch last Thursday and explained that they are having a baby shower for your Uncle and his girlfriend.  I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but baby it is so hard.  I don't wish death on anyway, no matter the situation or the circumstance.  No one deserves to go through this. I told her I wouldn't be going.  Just hearing about how other people are getting pregnant, and having babies hurts my heart so bad.  The truth is, I am just not ready.  I can not pretend to be happy for someone else, when my whole world was flipped upside down.  I can't and I won't.  I'm sick of people wanting me to go back to who I was, the happy go lucky person, that bent over backwards for everyone and was so carefree and naive.  I'm not her anymore.  She is gone.  I have to find out who I am now, who I can become.  I don't want to dwell on all of the negative.  I don't want to turn into a raging lunatic, but I also don't want to ever forget that you were very real to me.  You, my son, whom I love with my whole heart.  Life goes on, people will move on.  They will forget.  That is something I will not do.  I will grow, I am sure of that, but I refuse to pretend you were not real to me.  You will forever be my first son.  I keep going over and over it in my head, wondering what I could have done to changed this, to prevent you from being only in my heart, instead of in my arms.  I know in reality there is nothing that could have been done, but if I could go back and relive each moment, I would.  To hear your heartbeat for the first time, to feel your first kicks, to sing to you for the first time.  Every single moment I will cherish forever, because they are all I have of you now.

Your dad asked me the other day when the bad would end.  I wish i had an answer for that, but I don't.  I never will.  Your Aunt told me that everything is out of our control.  It only seems like we have the ability to control situations, but that simply isn't true.  I wish that things could have been different I really do.  I wish that the bad would stop raining down on us, but it has not yet, and I am not sure if it ever will.  I do know that your dad and I have each other.  Instead of pushing each other away, we have to cling to each other.  I miss you always my sweet baby boy.

Love you now, forever, and always

Mommy