News flash to anyone out there that doesn't realize this, but once you decide to try to become a parent, you change. Once you realize that you are a parent, you change. We are always evolving, always. So when the unthinkable happens, and you are planning a funeral, and purchasing gravestones, instead of planning doctor appointments and buying diapers, your life and plans once again change. You don't simply go back to the person you were before such a tragedy as child loss has affected your life bit simply doesn't happen that way. What you may not realize is that we still became parents, it's just that our child is now in heaven instead of here with us on earth.
I think the thing that I realize the most is that some people just can't handle the tragedy that is the death of a child. To those people, I simply do not have the desire to pretend that everything is back to "normal" so that you are comfortable. If you can't bear my heartache and you can't be around someone so sad and "depressed" please remove yourself from my life. I refuse to live a life to make other people comfortable while I, myself, am still trying to find my new "normal". I don't need people like you in my life. It just simply comes down to that little fact.
No, I'll never be who I was before my sweet Elijah, but I do hope to become stronger and turn into someone that he would be proud to call mom. I have noticed that the friends that I rarely talk to have stepped through these difficult times, and the friends I considered family have disappeared. Life is crazy that way. I can already see the huge change in myself. I realize that I can miss my darling son without having to shed a tear. It seems lately I find myself smiling when I think about his sweet face or how he would play hide and go week with the nurses while we were in the hospital, or how he would kick up a storm at bedtime. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I feel my heart is breaking into a million pieces, and there's never a day that goes by that I don't wish Elijah was in my arms, but I'm somehow stronger. I read an article yesterday on Stillstanding.com that said something to the effect of giving your worries, stress, and fear to God and he will give you peace. Oddly enough, I prayed that God would take the bitterness, hate, strife, fear, stress, and worries from my heart, and once I did I felt a little at peace. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am determined to make my son proud. One day I hope to see him again,yet until that day I am determined to press on. The people standing beside me at the beginning may be completely different people after some time, but I'm ok with that. As long as I have God to lean on, my husband beside me, and my immediate family's support I know I'll be ok.
Dear Elijah,
Mommy misses you my angel. The other day was the first time I was able to see your face clearly. It was amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget you, but at times I feel you slipping away. I know life goes on, but my love for you will remain the same. I read something the other day about asking parents with living children which child they love the best. I hope they answered they lived them all equally. I want you to know, that if we are ever blessed with more children, I will live you all the same. Hopefully I'll be able to share with your brother or sister new experiences, but I'll also share the great experiences we shared as well. You made me a mom my sweet boy, and for that I am and forever will be grateful. We miss and love you dearly.
Love you now, always, and forever
Your mommy
P.S. I saw a rainbow on the way to work this morning. I can't even begin to explain the joy that filled my heart.
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