Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Over it
I'm over this. Over people telling me I need to be normal. Seriously? What is normal? You let me know how normal I should be after the loss of your child. I am trying to go on. I am embracing the good with the bad. I'm trying to do the best I can. Why is that not good enough? Why do I have to do what's pleasing to others instead of living my life. No, I am not the same. No, I do not have the need or want to get back to the ways things were. Why can you not understand that? Why do I feel like no one is willing to understand everything I have gone through? Like I said, I'm over it.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
When does the bad end?
Dear Elijah,
Life is so hard without you here. My heart literally hurts when I think of everything that we could be doing right now. I am struggling with the fairness of it all. Honestly, it really is hard. Your nana took me out to lunch last Thursday and explained that they are having a baby shower for your Uncle and his girlfriend. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but baby it is so hard. I don't wish death on anyway, no matter the situation or the circumstance. No one deserves to go through this. I told her I wouldn't be going. Just hearing about how other people are getting pregnant, and having babies hurts my heart so bad. The truth is, I am just not ready. I can not pretend to be happy for someone else, when my whole world was flipped upside down. I can't and I won't. I'm sick of people wanting me to go back to who I was, the happy go lucky person, that bent over backwards for everyone and was so carefree and naive. I'm not her anymore. She is gone. I have to find out who I am now, who I can become. I don't want to dwell on all of the negative. I don't want to turn into a raging lunatic, but I also don't want to ever forget that you were very real to me. You, my son, whom I love with my whole heart. Life goes on, people will move on. They will forget. That is something I will not do. I will grow, I am sure of that, but I refuse to pretend you were not real to me. You will forever be my first son. I keep going over and over it in my head, wondering what I could have done to changed this, to prevent you from being only in my heart, instead of in my arms. I know in reality there is nothing that could have been done, but if I could go back and relive each moment, I would. To hear your heartbeat for the first time, to feel your first kicks, to sing to you for the first time. Every single moment I will cherish forever, because they are all I have of you now.
Your dad asked me the other day when the bad would end. I wish i had an answer for that, but I don't. I never will. Your Aunt told me that everything is out of our control. It only seems like we have the ability to control situations, but that simply isn't true. I wish that things could have been different I really do. I wish that the bad would stop raining down on us, but it has not yet, and I am not sure if it ever will. I do know that your dad and I have each other. Instead of pushing each other away, we have to cling to each other. I miss you always my sweet baby boy.
Love you now, forever, and always
Mommy
Life is so hard without you here. My heart literally hurts when I think of everything that we could be doing right now. I am struggling with the fairness of it all. Honestly, it really is hard. Your nana took me out to lunch last Thursday and explained that they are having a baby shower for your Uncle and his girlfriend. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but baby it is so hard. I don't wish death on anyway, no matter the situation or the circumstance. No one deserves to go through this. I told her I wouldn't be going. Just hearing about how other people are getting pregnant, and having babies hurts my heart so bad. The truth is, I am just not ready. I can not pretend to be happy for someone else, when my whole world was flipped upside down. I can't and I won't. I'm sick of people wanting me to go back to who I was, the happy go lucky person, that bent over backwards for everyone and was so carefree and naive. I'm not her anymore. She is gone. I have to find out who I am now, who I can become. I don't want to dwell on all of the negative. I don't want to turn into a raging lunatic, but I also don't want to ever forget that you were very real to me. You, my son, whom I love with my whole heart. Life goes on, people will move on. They will forget. That is something I will not do. I will grow, I am sure of that, but I refuse to pretend you were not real to me. You will forever be my first son. I keep going over and over it in my head, wondering what I could have done to changed this, to prevent you from being only in my heart, instead of in my arms. I know in reality there is nothing that could have been done, but if I could go back and relive each moment, I would. To hear your heartbeat for the first time, to feel your first kicks, to sing to you for the first time. Every single moment I will cherish forever, because they are all I have of you now.
Your dad asked me the other day when the bad would end. I wish i had an answer for that, but I don't. I never will. Your Aunt told me that everything is out of our control. It only seems like we have the ability to control situations, but that simply isn't true. I wish that things could have been different I really do. I wish that the bad would stop raining down on us, but it has not yet, and I am not sure if it ever will. I do know that your dad and I have each other. Instead of pushing each other away, we have to cling to each other. I miss you always my sweet baby boy.
Love you now, forever, and always
Mommy
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Elijah's Story Part 1
Dear Elijah,
Every story has a beginning. You never can imagine how life will turn out. You live each day oblivious to the heartache that could occur, well at least I did.
I guess you can say our story started in 2007. That's when I fell in love with Mathew, your dad. Wow, now that seems like forever ago. We started dating and before you know it, we had moved in together. I know, I know. We moved fast. He was my first everything. How lucky was I to find such a great guy that I would end up marrying. Life is weird. It all starts out great. Don't get me wrong we had our share of ups and downs, but we always managed to overcome. I remember thinking jeez all of our friends are getting married and having kids and we are just living in the moment. We did for years. Until December 2010. I will never forget that day. One of the best days in my life. Your dad asked me to marry him. It was perfect. He tricked me you know. I thought I was helping a friend surprise his wife, but in the end I was surprised. Ten months later and we were married. October 8, 2011, our anniversary. At that point we had been together for four years, and I was starting to get that baby itch. We decided that I would finish school and then start trying. Well that first year of marriage went by. It really was a great year. I know people say the first year of marriage is hard, but we had the best marriage counselor. He was your Uncle Bob. I hope you guys have met already. He was such a sweet and loving man.
Looking back I can remember asking your dad if we could please please start trying in December of 2012. That would have been the best Christmas present ever. He was adamant about me finishing school so we decided to hold off. But the urge to be a mom was so very overwhelming. Most of our friends were already on their second babies. I had just turned 26. I had serious baby fever. I was so concerned that we needed to try soon that way when I got a job in the chemistry field, I wouldn't be pregnant. I didn't want to be around anything that would cause you harm. We went back and forth about it for months. Finally we decided that we start trying in August. That way I would have graduated in December. Well before you know it, we were trying. It was March. I know we were supposed to wait, but I wanted you in my arms so bad. When that next month came I was devastated to see that I wasn't pregnant. I mean heartbroken. I remember going into Wal-mart at one point and seeing a young girl in her teens, and her huge belly growing. At that point I decided that life was not fair. It had been 2 months and I still didn't have you. My boss, at the time, would tell me to be patient that it would happen in due time. I wanted you right then. We had waited for so long. Everything was perfect. We had bought a house, paid off a car. It was the right time. Then came May. We decided to not try to try. I think I was stressing your dad out, lol. (I tend to do that a lot) I should have known that something was off that month, and I kind of suspected, but after a couple of months of being disappointed, I couldn't get my hopes up.
On Memorial Day, your dad decided to grill. I picked up some hamburger meat, and bratwurst. I remember biting into the bratwurst and spitting it out. It was so gross. Again, I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I knew something was off. The next day your dad had to work. I couldn't wait any longer I decided to take a test. I was so nervous. A friend of mine was over, and she went downstairs. We had been walking a few miles a week, and that was our day to go. I took the test and immediately I saw the positive. My heart was so full of joy. I will never forget that day. I text your dad and told him to wake me when he got home from work, no matter what. My friend came out of the downstairs bathroom and looked at my face. With tears in my eyes I told her I was pregnant. Oh my goodness that was seriously one of the best moments ever, neck and neck with your dad crying when he saw me on our wedding day. I swore her to secrecy, and we went on our walk.
Later that night, your dad got home. There was no need to wake me, I was too excited. I saw him, and immediately began to smile. I had the pregnancy test behind my back. I looked at him with the biggest smile on my face, and asked him to guess what. He smiled back and asked what. I think he already knew, but the thrill was being able to tell him. I showed him the test. His smile grew. I think he may have split open his face it was that big. I got to tell the man that I love with my whole heart that he was going to be a dad. It was epic. Little did I now that bliss that I was feeling would change in a few short weeks.
Every story has a beginning. You never can imagine how life will turn out. You live each day oblivious to the heartache that could occur, well at least I did.
I guess you can say our story started in 2007. That's when I fell in love with Mathew, your dad. Wow, now that seems like forever ago. We started dating and before you know it, we had moved in together. I know, I know. We moved fast. He was my first everything. How lucky was I to find such a great guy that I would end up marrying. Life is weird. It all starts out great. Don't get me wrong we had our share of ups and downs, but we always managed to overcome. I remember thinking jeez all of our friends are getting married and having kids and we are just living in the moment. We did for years. Until December 2010. I will never forget that day. One of the best days in my life. Your dad asked me to marry him. It was perfect. He tricked me you know. I thought I was helping a friend surprise his wife, but in the end I was surprised. Ten months later and we were married. October 8, 2011, our anniversary. At that point we had been together for four years, and I was starting to get that baby itch. We decided that I would finish school and then start trying. Well that first year of marriage went by. It really was a great year. I know people say the first year of marriage is hard, but we had the best marriage counselor. He was your Uncle Bob. I hope you guys have met already. He was such a sweet and loving man.
Looking back I can remember asking your dad if we could please please start trying in December of 2012. That would have been the best Christmas present ever. He was adamant about me finishing school so we decided to hold off. But the urge to be a mom was so very overwhelming. Most of our friends were already on their second babies. I had just turned 26. I had serious baby fever. I was so concerned that we needed to try soon that way when I got a job in the chemistry field, I wouldn't be pregnant. I didn't want to be around anything that would cause you harm. We went back and forth about it for months. Finally we decided that we start trying in August. That way I would have graduated in December. Well before you know it, we were trying. It was March. I know we were supposed to wait, but I wanted you in my arms so bad. When that next month came I was devastated to see that I wasn't pregnant. I mean heartbroken. I remember going into Wal-mart at one point and seeing a young girl in her teens, and her huge belly growing. At that point I decided that life was not fair. It had been 2 months and I still didn't have you. My boss, at the time, would tell me to be patient that it would happen in due time. I wanted you right then. We had waited for so long. Everything was perfect. We had bought a house, paid off a car. It was the right time. Then came May. We decided to not try to try. I think I was stressing your dad out, lol. (I tend to do that a lot) I should have known that something was off that month, and I kind of suspected, but after a couple of months of being disappointed, I couldn't get my hopes up.
On Memorial Day, your dad decided to grill. I picked up some hamburger meat, and bratwurst. I remember biting into the bratwurst and spitting it out. It was so gross. Again, I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I knew something was off. The next day your dad had to work. I couldn't wait any longer I decided to take a test. I was so nervous. A friend of mine was over, and she went downstairs. We had been walking a few miles a week, and that was our day to go. I took the test and immediately I saw the positive. My heart was so full of joy. I will never forget that day. I text your dad and told him to wake me when he got home from work, no matter what. My friend came out of the downstairs bathroom and looked at my face. With tears in my eyes I told her I was pregnant. Oh my goodness that was seriously one of the best moments ever, neck and neck with your dad crying when he saw me on our wedding day. I swore her to secrecy, and we went on our walk.
Later that night, your dad got home. There was no need to wake me, I was too excited. I saw him, and immediately began to smile. I had the pregnancy test behind my back. I looked at him with the biggest smile on my face, and asked him to guess what. He smiled back and asked what. I think he already knew, but the thrill was being able to tell him. I showed him the test. His smile grew. I think he may have split open his face it was that big. I got to tell the man that I love with my whole heart that he was going to be a dad. It was epic. Little did I now that bliss that I was feeling would change in a few short weeks.
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