New Life...now what?

I wish I can say that life has just been wonderful the last few years.  I thought that your dad and I had gone through the roughest time in our life when we lost our sweet Elijah.  We sold our first home last year and built a new one.  We got moved in in November and were super excited.  Life was going great...or so I thought.  Fast forward to March 7, 2018.  I came home from work and I noticed he was acting strange.  He proceeded to tell me he wasn't happy.  He stated that he had not been happy since Elijah died.  At first he thought it was him, but he said after he "tried" he realized it must be us.  So after purchasing a new home, totaling his car, and then buying a new car here we are..going through a divorce.

Let's just say I was in shock.  I was totally and completely blindsided.  What man just ups and leaves his family and everything and why?  I found a few things that made me wonder if I really knew what was happening around me during the previous 7 months.  I was angry, but I refused to be bitter.  I prayed and cried to God to save our marriage.  I did everything I knew to do, but he was no interested.  I refused to get angry.  I prayed for grace.  I asked God to help me to forgive your dad.  I prayed that God would remove the love from my heart if this was not his will.  My worry this whole time was not how this was going to affect me, but how this was going to affect our sweet baby girl.

People keep telling me how resilient children are.  I think that's the BS they tell themselves so that they feel better about the things they are doing.  Ellie now has a stutter.  She asks for her dad constantly.  How do you explain to a 3.5 year old that daddy doesn't want to be here, and quite frankly mommy doesn't want him here.  How do you explain that you thought you had built a life with a man you knew and loved, only to realize that it was a lie.

Yesterday I started going through all of my pictures and deleting them from facebook.  It made me super sad to realize that my smile and glow from recently didn't even compare to the smile during the past 11 years.  It made me sad.  I lost myself.  I changed because it made someone else comfortable.  I wanted to be his love.  I wanted to make him happy.  I gave and gave and received a bit, but it was never whole hearted.  I refuse to bash him or put him down.  I wish him the best.  I hope he find the love he is looking for, the life he is looking for.  I pray he becomes a man that his children are proud to call dad.  I wish him the best.

Oddly enough after losing my mind for a couple of weeks, God started to give me peace about this whole situation.  I sought help, I prayed, and I started to live for me again.  IT sucks to say that I don't really miss my husband, but I am going to miss being married, but I think that's my truth.  Looking back there is so much that I want and desire, and honestly I'm not sure if I'll ever get it.  I'm not sure what life has in store for Ellie and I, but I have to keep going.  I have to keep living. I have to keep fighting.

God has great things in store for us.  Here's to trying to seek his will and allowing HIM to lead us down the path he desires for us to go.

Elijah,

Mommy's sorry.  I am so glad you don't have to be here for this.  Your sister is struggling.  I wish I could heal her hurt.  Mommy continues to wipe her tears.  I try to explain that we love her and that we just need to pray for daddy.  I hope he realizes that she is still here and that she cares so much.  I hope he knows that although this may not affect her greatly in years to come, currently it is and it is hard.  Baby boy just know that I will always try to do my best.  Always.  Just know that I will love you and your sister with my whole heart.  I will try to put God first always, then you and your sister.  I love you!  I miss you always.  I wish I could hold you in my arms again sweet baby.

Love now, forever, and always,

Mommy

Happy birthday!

Dear Elijah,

Yesterday was your second birthday. How I missed you so much my sweet boy. Time is flying by. You have a baby sister. I know if you were here you would take such good care of her. I have so many different wishes for you, me, our family. I wish I got to hold your for more than 1 day. I wish you were alive and well. I wish you got to meet your baby sister. I wish your dad could teach you how to play soccer. The list goes on and on. I will tell you that surrounding myself with the MEND families yesterday was amazing. I know that each family has suffered a loss and that breaks my heart so bad, but to be able to come together and acknowledge our babies in a world that is completely uncomfortable talking about the death of babies was encouraging. There are people that have walked in my shoes. This is our new normal. I love you sweet boy. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am to have had the little time that we shared together. You made me a mother and for that I will be forever grateful. Love you now forever and always,

Mommy

As life goes on...

Life is so very different. I think back to last year, to all the planning and excitement of trying to have a baby. It really does seem like another lifetime. I realize that no amount of planning can prepare you for what life sometimes throws at you. In the last 6 months I have realized quite a few things, and to some people's disappointment I have lived my life in a very different way than before. 

News flash to anyone out there that doesn't realize this, but once you decide to try to become a parent, you change. Once you realize that you are a parent, you change. We are always evolving, always. So when the unthinkable happens, and you are planning a funeral, and purchasing gravestones, instead of planning doctor appointments and buying diapers, your life and plans once again change. You don't simply go back to the person you were before such a tragedy as child loss has affected your life bit simply doesn't happen that way.  What you may not realize is that we still became parents, it's just that our child is now in heaven instead of here with us on earth. 

I think the thing that I realize the most is that some people just can't handle the tragedy that is the death of a child. To those people, I simply do not have the desire to pretend that everything is back to "normal" so that you are comfortable. If you can't bear my heartache and you can't be around someone so sad and "depressed" please remove yourself from my life. I refuse to live a life to make other people comfortable while I, myself, am still trying to find my new "normal". I don't need people like you in my life. It just simply comes down to that little fact. 

No, I'll never be who I was before my sweet Elijah, but I do hope to become stronger and turn into someone that he would be proud to call mom.  I have noticed that the friends that I rarely talk to have stepped through these difficult times, and the friends I considered family have disappeared. Life is crazy that way. I can already see the huge change in myself.  I realize that I can miss my darling son without having to shed a tear. It seems lately I find myself smiling when I think about his sweet face or how he would play hide and go week with the nurses while we were in the hospital, or how he would kick up a storm at bedtime. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I feel my heart is breaking into a million pieces, and there's never a day that goes by that I don't wish Elijah was in my arms, but I'm somehow stronger. I read an article yesterday on Stillstanding.com that said something to the effect of giving your worries, stress, and fear to God and he will give you peace. Oddly enough, I prayed that God would take the bitterness, hate, strife, fear, stress, and worries from my heart, and once I did I felt a little at peace. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am determined to make my son proud. One day I hope to see him again,yet until that day I am determined to press on.  The people standing beside me at the beginning may be completely different people after some time, but I'm ok with that. As long as I have God to lean on, my husband beside me, and my immediate family's support I know I'll be ok. 

Dear Elijah,

Mommy misses you my angel. The other day was the first time I was able to see your face clearly. It was amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget you, but at times I feel you slipping away. I know life goes on, but my love for you will remain the same. I read something the other day about asking parents with living children which child they love the best. I hope they answered they lived them all equally. I want you to know, that if we are ever blessed with more children, I will live you all the same. Hopefully I'll be able to share with your brother or sister new experiences, but I'll also share the great experiences we shared as well. You made me a mom my sweet boy, and for that I am and forever will be grateful. We miss and love you dearly.

Love you now, always, and forever

Your mommy

P.S.  I saw a rainbow on the way to work this morning. I can't even begin to explain the joy that filled my heart. 

5 Months

Dear Elijah,

Today you would have been 5 months old. I told your dad it didn't seem that long, he disagreed. I keep thinking of all the things we should have gotten to do with you.   It makes me sad that we missed out on everything, but I am so glad that I had the little moments, but I miss you so much.  I know that you are here with us, watching over your dad and me. I'm sorry I haven't been so strong, I really am trying. I know you don't want to see me crying, but I promise they are not all sad tears.  I am very thankful for you my sweet prince. You were the most amazing little boy, and I am so honored to be your mother. I'll miss you for always, I'll love you forever.  I hope to one day give you a little brother or sister. Please ask God to send his blessings, And know that no matter what, you will always be my first son, my first child, the reason I am, and always will be a mother.

Love you now, forever, and always,

Mommy

Over it

I'm over this. Over people telling me I need to be normal. Seriously?  What is normal?  You let me know how normal I should be after the loss of your child. I am trying to go on. I am embracing the good with the bad. I'm trying to do the best I can. Why is that not good enough?  Why do I have to do what's pleasing to others instead of living my life. No, I am not the same. No, I do not have the need or want to get back to the ways things were. Why can you not understand that?  Why do I feel like no one is willing to understand everything I have gone through?  Like I said, I'm over it.

What's Next?

Last Wednesday, February 5, was my due date. Technically I would have been induced two weeks prior because of how sick I was, but that's the date I was given when we found out I was expecting. I stayed in bed all day. My alarm went off that morning, but I turned it off. How was I suppose to sit in a classroom listening to a lecture that would just evade me?  My mom and sister called, but I couldn't talk long. My heart was hurting too bad.

I just don't understand my life anymore. I thought I could bottle up my emotions and force myself to keep going, but it's days like this that I realize I can't do that. Every time I get knocked on my back, I loose my breath, and the aching starts all over again. That night when my husband got home, all I could do was loom at him. I don't know if anyone is reading this, but sometimes I just look at my life and I just feel like a failure. The one thing that I was so looking forward to was raising a child with the love of my life, and now we have heartache and grief. It's very hard to accept. It's not possible to understand. 

I see all the pictures and posts of people getting pregnant and having babies, and all I feel Is complete sadness. How can I possible be happy for them?  What if they have to go through this?  Please God don't let their story end up like ours. Then there is the jealousy. The huge monumental loathing of their happiness. Why me? Why not them? Then I stop and look at myself. Who am I?  What kind of monster wishes this on anyone?  I am not that person. The grief that is consuming me makes me question everything. I hate it. I hate that I no longer have that innocence that was once there. I hate that I did not get to keep holding my baby boy in my arms. I hate that his story never really began. I hate that I will never hear his cries, see his smile. I hate not knowing if his eyes would be dark brown like mine or stay that blue. I hate all of this, but this is my life now. I m trying to make the best of it. I am trying to keep going. I am trying to not let the depression take over but it's always rearing its ugly head, pulling me deeper into the blackness that so easily consumes me. 

People keep telling me thy the hurt never goes away, just dims slightly. I believe it. Four months have passed. It seems like forever ago, like a figment of my imagination, but I know Elijah was very real. I held me son in my arms. He was there. I am a mother. I have a son. He was real. This is real. So now what happens?  What's next?  

Dear Elijah,

I miss you so much. I want you here with me. It's funny my little boy how we picked out your little animal. My little Ez bunny. Every since then, your dad and I have had nightly visits from this bunny. Your dad said he let him get within a foot and would never move. I hope that is you coming to tell us that you are ok. That's all we have of you my sweet boy. No pictures, no videos, just sonograms, and memories of your kicks and punches. I love you always. I'll miss you forever.  I won't forget you my sweet boy, and please visit me in my dreams. 

All my love,

Mommy